You Don't Despise This Journey (thank You for Your patience with me)

Well, this season of my life definitely merits a little blogging.  For the past 2 1/2 years, the one word that I've used most to describe my life is interesting.  And that is still very true in this season.  I've often found myself saying, in many different situations, "Wow, God, this is very interesting.  What are You up to now?" I could bore you with all the details of the journey that have brought me to where I am right now, but instead I'm just gonna go straight to the "meat" of a couple really huge things that I've learned.

Psalm 17:2 "Let my vindication come from Your presence."  This verse pretty much sums up something I've struggled with for a long time, and something the Lord has been trying to teach me a long time.  My "rights", revenge, and justice are ONLY to be found in the presence of the Lord.  I think this pretty much covers any relational situation or strife that could happen.  I have no rights, no right to seek revenge or justice from any person because all of that is to be found in Jesus.  

I experienced this firsthand at the house of prayer recently.  I had to repent and seek forgiveness from the other staff members for a sour attitude concerning my "rights" being denied and for my pridefulness in it all.  That verse pretty much sums up what my attitude should have been and what I should have done.  However, as much as I wish my friends hadn't seen that kind of ugliness in me, I'm glad it did happen because I needed to see what an issue my pride is in that area of my life, where I thought that I had rights.  The freedom that came from that repenting and laying down of my rights is something I can't really explain in words.  It has fueled a deeper level of knowing God's heart and interceding for others, for my church and for this city.  And I'm finding myself able to love others without expecting anything in return.

Another major life lesson from the last couple weeks:  Jesus can and will more than fulfill the role of best friend in my life.  For many years, I've been on a search for a "best" friend.  I have my two childhood friends who were my best friends growing up.  But as years went on, we all moved far away from each other, and though in a sense I may still call them best friends, they're not really in my life in that way now.  Though when we're together we can just pick right back up.  Here in Cleveland I've had a few people over the years who I've wanted to call my "best" friend, but they already had a best friend and/or for some reason I didn't fit in that role.

A few weeks ago, I was on worship team at church.  We were singing "Friend of God", and this light bulb went off in my head.  It was as if Jesus was standing right in front of me, jumping up and down, waving His arms, saying "Hey!!!!  Katie!!!!  What about me?  I'm right here!  I want to be your best friend!"  And I was just so blown away.  In that moment, I felt so loved and seen and known and desired.  And I was filled with a joy that could not be explained or contained.  Something had totally changed in my heart, and I realized that I no longer needed to search for a person to fit the role of my best friend.  How amazingly sweet, to be completely satisfied and at rest in the knowledge that Jesus so perfectly is my very best friend. :)

Psalm 17:15 "As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness; I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness."  In this season, I'm trying to get to the point where I don't despise the journey, the process of growing.  This comes right out of an IHOP-KC set.  "You don't despise my growing, You don't despise this journey.  Good Shepherd of my soul, You love mercy, You love mercy."  I will no longer despise the journey, because God's abundant grace and mercy are so much greater than my weakness.  And I know that "He who has begun a good work in me..."

So, in all of this and all that is to come, may the cry of my heart always be, "more of You, Jesus, and less of me!"

 

Dreaming and Dancing Upon My Barren Lands

I'm almost afraid to be writing this, because then I might actually have to do something about it.  Just being honest.  But in my heart, I can sense that God's calling me to much more than I've ever believed for myself.  At our young adult gathering at church tonight, some of the words from the Delirious song Rain Down really hit me.  As many times as I've sung that song, I don't think I've ever really paid attention to some of the words.  They have to do with dreaming.  Here's the second verse:
                   
                    Back to the start, my heart is heavy
                    Feels like it's time to dream again
                    I see the clouds, and yes, I'm ready
                    To dance upon this barren land
                    Hope in my hands

I feel like I have a lot of dreams for what I'd like my life to look like, things I'd like to do, but they're just that - dreams.  I've never allowed myself to believe that they will actually happen.  Why?  Largely because of fear.  They seem too impossible, unattainable.  And because sometimes I just feel unworthy of those dreams ever coming true.  But I'm starting to see that God has so much more for my life than the little I expect for myself. 

He's calling me to unlock the treasure box and revive those dreams.  And to dance upon the barren land?  Really???  Barren land does not conjure up good thoughts in my mind or warm, fuzzy feelings in my heart.  All I think of is dry, dusty nothingness, empty and alone.  Very alone.  But I don't think God sees any barren lands in me.  He sees the fruition of all my dreams.  And though I don't see the path to get through, He's calling me to dance on the lands that I see as barren.  And not just to dance, but to dance with hope and in faith, knowing that, "He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Desire Misplaced

In the past couple weeks, I've found myself getting a little weird, in a bit of a funk.  I was too easily discouraged and disheartened and just irritable at times.  I thought it was due to some relational issues and some areas of my life where I feel like I'm wrestling against my flesh and with the Lord for freedom.  Turns out I was missing the biggest issue of all - I've been replacing the things of God for God Himself.  Sounds kind of crazy to me, considering I spend 30+ hours a week at the house of prayer.  One would think that would mean some real intimacy with the Lord.  But I've found myself so distracted by other things.

This quote by C.S. Lewis from The Weight of Glory really caught my attention yesterday. "If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak.  We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea.  We are far too easily pleased."

Wow.  I'm far too easily pleased by just a little bit of God and far too easily distracted.  Are my distractions at the house of prayer necessarily bad?  No, they're not.  I'm reading a couple Christian books that are really challenging, really full of truth and helping me gain some insight into those areas of my life where I need freedom.  I spend some time with my friends in fellowship, discussing a variety of things.  The one thing that probably should have sounded the alarm was my time in the Word.  I was reading, but not soaking/meditating on it, and it just wasn't all that thrilling.

Nothing, not a single thing, or person in this world can replace God and time with Him.  Nothing can satisfy our deepest heart's desires like He can.  Try as I may to chase a billion other lovers, I find again that only His love quiets my heart.  So, I came into the prayer room last night determined to just sit and wait.  And it's amazing what happened.  After just a few minutes of soaking, the veil of crud that I had felt over me just lifted and there was peace, even joy, and a contentedness in the deepest parts of me that I'd been missing.

And there was such life in the Word.  The Lord had put John 15:1-11 on my heart.  It's all about abiding.  Not about doing, just being.  Our greatest satisfaction can come just by knowing that we belong to Jesus and we're loved, just as the Father loved Him.  And in abiding, we can have the fullness of joy.  Not an earthly joy that fades away, but an eternal, everlasting joy that springs up from the innermost parts of our being.

One of the things being sung in my time of soaking was, "You hear the cry of my hunger, You answer me with abundance."  He knows when we're hungry and He knows what will satisfy that hunger.  So, will I choose to answer the cries of my hunger by simply abiding in the One who can fill every longing in my heart?